Naruto Uzamaki's Laser Tag Adventure
by Sue Snell
Summary: What happens when two crazy fangirls somehow hijack the Chunin exams and put our favorite genin, villains, and senseis through Laser Tag Hell? CLICK IT! If you don't wanna read all of it, skip to the last half of CH3. CRACK PAIRING IN CH4! T for language
1. Chapter 1

Note from KabutoLuvr: I co-wrote this with my friend ("Kaori"), and yes, we are the freaky fan-girls appearing in this fic. This was originally a joke between us two, but hey, it might be funny enough for y'all.

Note from KabutoLuvr's friend: "KabutoLuvr's friend"? That's my title now? Man, do I need an account on this site…Anyway, yeah, as S.I.R(1) said before, this was a joke, so don't take any of this seriously. Almost none of what we wrote reflects what we believe or our awesome writing skillz. PS- Don't all you out there in review land think this is a huge jump from her first fanfic? I mean, it was serious and this is…not…

Crack Warning! It's crack. Pure crack. It makes no sense whatsoever. Enjoy.

Oh, and just ignore the pairings. We don't support most of them.

Disclaimer: We do not own Naruto. If we did, as you can plainly see, it would be even more screwed up than it already is.

-border, yeah...-

Sasuke examined his weapon as Naruto struggled with his unfamiliar gear.

"How the heck are you supposed to wear this thing?" Naruto whined, fumbling with the buckles.

"Dobe," Sasuke muttered.

"Now will everyone please pay attention," the young woman with brown hair and glasses stepped to the front of the room, "and stop messing with your equipment!" She cast a meaningful glare toward Naruto.

"She means you. Yeah you, Narutard!" This was from another woman with long dark hair.

"Now this is a very vital part of the Chunnin exams."

"You get to shoot each other plastic guns!"

"Thank you, Kaori,"

"You're welcome… _**S.I.R.**_"(1) Kaori started giggling wildly. "S.i.r." blushed and rolled her eyes. After muttering, "Shut up," she recovered, "Anyway, I am Suki, the Chunnin examine… er." Orochimaru muttered, "_I'd _like to be _Sasuke's_ examiner."

"And I am the Chunnin examiner's beautiful assistant." Naruto busted out laughing, "Beautiful assistant! That's a good one. Ha ha ha!" Kaori's eye twitched. "Hey, you with the fan, let me borrow it." Kaori grabbed the fan without waiting for an answer. Naruto was still on the floor laughing, but he paused when a dark shadow was cast over him. Kaori hit her open palm with the fan menacingly.

"Oh, Naruto," she said in a sing-song voice. _WHAM!_

-border, yeah...-

Naruto sat up fifteen minutes later, and watched the bowls of ramen and Sasukes in pink tutus dance around his head. After a minute of this, he realized he was all alone.

"Ah! Matte! Wait for me!" He started to run towards an exit.

"Hold up there, monkey-boy."

"Huh?" Naruto looked around and saw the girl with glasses.

"I'm not a monkey, I'm a fox, dattebayo!"

"Whatever. First of all, you were heading for an exit, which would automatically disqualify you." Naruto's jaw dropped.

"Wh-what? I can't be disqualified now! I'm gonna become Hokage! I'm-"

"Sorry to cut your sermon short, but, you only have twenty-five minutes left, and your equipment isn't even on right."

"Huh? What do you mean it's not on right?!"

"I mean, it's not on right. Would you like some help?"

"No! I'm gonna be Hokage, I can figure this out!"

"Whatever," Suki said with a shrug, "It's your time."

Ninety seconds of struggle later…

"Uh, hey, uh, Miss Examiner-er-er Lady?"

-border, yeah...-

Evil and maniacal laughter grew louder and louder, echoing off the walls of the Laser Tag Maze.

-border, yeah...-

Temari looked around wildly, eyes widening.

"Kankuro!" she called, her voice carrying an edge, "Where _is _he? He's about to kill someone!" Kankuro began to search the area desperately, but then he paused.

"Wait a minute… That's not the way he usually sounds. There's something… different…"

-border, yeah...-

Kabuto looked at Orochimaru nervously.

"For the last time, Kabuto, _it's not me_!"

"Of course, master…"

"It's not!" The men paused for a moment and listened, Orochimaru's eyes darting around anxiously. He shuddered.

"Something wrong, master?"

"It's just, so… _creepy_."

Suddenly, they were almost hit by Ino running full-speed around a corner. She stopped, horrified, when she saw the men. She looked Orochimaru up and down, taking in the snow-white skin, snake-like appearance, the mouth she knew to hold a ten-foot tongue, and the face uncannily resembling Michael Jackson. She shuddered and let out a soft, terrified whimper before darting off in another direction. Orochimaru blinked.

"You were saying, master?"

-border, yeah...-

Itachi looked at Kisame and raised an eyebrow.

"Do you think Orochimaru's here?"

"I dunno…" Kisame listened for a moment, "It doesn't really sound like _him, _I mean, it sounds almost… feminine."

"So do you think Orochimaru's here?"

-border, yeah...-

Suki repressed a few giggles as she made her way to her "station," having helped Narutard into the laser gear. As she climbed into the little mesh "sweet spot" that allowed someone to shoot people outside of it at will without becoming targets themselves, she called out, "Having fun, Kaori?" Kaori paused for breath, being a little winded from all the evil and maniacal laughter.

"Yes, much."

-border, yeah...-

Orochimaru and Kabuto, after finding themselves very relieved at the cease of the evil and maniacal laughter, searched for a good place to "set up camp."

"This is the perfect set-up, Kabuto," Orochimaru said with sinister delight, "An every-man-for-him-self challenge, _both _Uchihas present, and all this total darkness, with these perfect circumstances Sasuke's body will surely be mine, and soon!" Kabuto sighed dejectedly.

"Is that the only reason we're here? Just another chapter of the quest for Sasuke's body? Y'know what, Orochimaru, you're supposed to go Laser Tagging just for the pure, uncorrupted joy of shooting people! If all you wanted was Sasuke, then why the hell did you bring me along? Why do you always do this to me?!" Orochimaru looked at his right-hand man in surprise.

"Gee, Kabuto, if it bothered you that much you could have just said something-"

"'Could have just said something'?! _'Could have just said something'?!_ Y'know what?! _I offered you my body!_ To _some_ people, that is _definitely '_something'!" Seeming to appear out of nowhere at that moment, Suki said, "No, no, no, Kabuto. You can't give Orochimaru your body, you just can't."

"Why is this any of your business?" Kabuto asked.

"Well it's just that I, I…" She blushed and found herself unable to speak. Kabuto stared into her eyes. He whispered, "Do you…?"

"I…" They stood close together, both breathless and blushing. Caught up in the moment, they were simply overcome by all the exhilaration of being so near each other, (KL: keep reading, it gets better) so close to letting their true emotions finally show, with such a beautiful and romantic sunset in the background…

"Gai?! What the hell?!" Suki and Kabuto gawked at the weird sensei while Orochimaru sulked in the background, unnoticed.

"I was passing by here, and could not help but overhear the beginning of your youthful profession of love, and I thought you may appreciate the perfect and sometimes-but-not-always romantic atmosphere that I could provide."

"Huh?"

"Go away," Kabuto said, shooting him with a scowl.

"Gah! How unsporting and dishonorable, to shoot someone while they have let their guard down to help you! What a terrible way to show gratitude! You owe me a free shot! To compensate for the points I just lost!" Kabuto shot him again.

"GAH! I SHALL RETURN LATER TO DEFEAT YOU!" Gai ran away.

"Good riddance," Kabuto muttered.

"You were saying? Orochimaru said. Suki and Kabuto stared at each other, then stared at him.

Suki coughed.

"Oh yeah, I've been asked to inform you that anyone caught stealing or attempting to steal a body for any and every reason, will be immediately removed from the Laser Tag Maze. This is your first and only warning." Since she obviously had to be a ninja if she was involved in the Chunnin exams, she disappeared in a puff of smoke.

-border, yeah...-

Will Naruto ever figure out what the heck he's supposed to be doing?

Will Kaori run out of breath from all the evil and maniacal laughter?

Will Orochimaru take Kabuto up on his offer to have his body…

Or will Suki and Kabuto get together, since they belong-

Kaori: That's not in the script, Suki.

Suki: It doesn't matter, Orochimaru shouldn't have him!

Kaori: Fine! –clears throat- Anyways, within the next few chapters, we will have our first crack-pairing!...LEE/HAKU! And we're the first ones to do them! EVER!

Suki: (is only saying this line because Kaori made her) But isn't Haku dead…. And a boy?

Kaori:-P Haku isn't dead! I refuse to believe it…He's to pretty to be a corpse! But as for him and Lee…yeah…Uh…I blame you.

-border, yeah...- 

(1)Inside joke. Don't get it? Too bad.

-border, yeah...-

Note: So anyway, I'll try to get the next few chapters up ASAP, but this was originally in a completely different format, so sorry if it takes a little while. Even so, lemme know what you think, please!


	2. Chapter 2

Hinata was nervous; she knew Neji was somewhere in the maze, looking for her. He was very competitive when it came to her. He believed that he was "fated" to defeat her in every way. As she paused for a moment, she heard a noise. A footstep.

"N-n-neji-san, i-is that you?" she called out.

"HEY HINATA!" She jumped and screamed, turning around to see Naruto standing behind her, with a vulpine grin on his face.

"N-naruto, you're awake," she said, blushing.

"You bet I am. Dattebayo!" he said, punching the air. He became serious for a moment as he said, "Hey, Hinata, uh… What exactly did the Chunnin Examiner Ladies say while I was out? What are we supposed to do?"

"Well…"

-flashback-

Temari stared at Naruto's prone form, "Ha, it's about time someone shut him up. Now, gimme my fan back." Kaori relinquished the fan reluctantly.

"_Anyway_," Suki started, rubbing her temples wearily, "Listen up, 'cause here's the rules. Rule One: This is a test; _no cheating._" The assembled Genin exchanged knowing smiles.

"Oh yeah," Kaori added, "and we've seen surveillance videos of the written portion of the Chunnin exams, and no, this isn't the same thing." Their smiles turned into expressions of horror.

"Speaking of which, I have one word for all of you:" Suki said levelly, "subtlety. Yes I'm talking to you, Ten-ten, using the ninja world's most obnoxiously large and obvious mirror to provide Rock and everyone within a five-foot radius of him with Shino's answers…" Shino glared at the ashamedly blushing Ten-ten.

"which he acquired by talking to a fly in his hand, which, I will admit, was less noticeable than his teammate's puppy, perched upon his head, barking every five seconds. And Ino, you _do _realize that you were being watched by _professional ninja, _perfectly capable of detecting the kind of chakra surge needed to perform a mind-control jutsu? And Sasuke, Neji, should I even comment? One of the first things the examiners are told to look for is wandering eyes; did you really think bloodline traits would pass unnoticed? And subtlety, thy name is Garra, _not_. Sand all over the place, flying through the air, only to produce _a floating eyeball_! In all my years of Chunnin exam experience, I have _never _seen _anything _more creepy and above all _obvious _than a floating eyeball! All of you are disgraces to the name ninja, which is supposed to instill images of secrecy and concealment. And such disappointments, too. I find it tragic that the only ones of you who _weren't_ cheating were those of you who were either too lazy, or actually smart enough to know the answers yet naïve enough to let others take them from you. The only exception being the wonderful Mister Nobility." She gestured at the still unconscious Naruto. Hinata blushed.

"_Ahem,_" Kaori said.

"Oh yeah, I got so busy ranting I forgot. Kudos to you, Kankuro. We never would have caught on if it hadn't been for that trip to the bathroom." Kankuro felt proud a short moment before thinking, _There were surveillance cameras in the bathroom?_

"Anyway, I'm sure you were all told that the Ninja in the room would be removing those caught cheating. This was a lie. Those men were instructed to remove cheaters only if they were to be discovered because of a nervous mistake. That's right, it is a little cold, especially considering that many of those removed were as good at fighting as the rest of you, but it has been a standard for years that anyone who may put a mission at risk due to his or her own nerves is not ready to be a Chunnin. You all were spared removal not because your plans were clever or without flaw, but because they were carried out with precision and poise. Anyway," she paused for breath as some of Genin looked at the floor guiltily, "Rule Two: Even if this isn't a test, still _no cheating_."

"What?"

"Huh?"

"What does she mean, if this isn't a test?" Confused murmuring filled the room.

"I know most of you are unaware of this," Suki continued, "but this event is not restricted to Genin only. It is open to senseis-"

"Yes!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"-civilians, other ninja, and anyone else willing to pay twenty bucks."

"Hey! I was charged twenty-five!"

"Or twenty-five in the cases of those who paid Kaori. Sorry Iruka. Now, Rule Three: Play nice. That's right. If _anyone _comes out of this dead, seriously injured, and/or psychologically scarred for life, those responsible will be disqualified from the Chunnin exams and/or reported to the authorities. Those are the rules, please follow them. Any questions about the rules?" Sakura raised her hand.

"Yes?"

"What _are_ we supposed to do? Is there a point to this test?"

"That's not a question about the rules, that's a question about the test," Kaori pointed out.

"That's right. Are there anymore questions about the _rules_?" Glancing at her brothers, Temari raised her hand.

"Yes?"

"Exactly how injured is 'seriously injured'?" Suki sighed.

"If you're unsure about whether or not we'd consider an injury 'serious' it'd probably be best to avoid causing it."

"Did you hear that, guys?" Temari muttered to her brothers.

"Yeah, whatever."

"Why should I even care?" There was some more muttering around the room.

"Did _you_ hear that, master?"

"Oh now really."

"Maybe you shouldn't take your sword with you."

"Maybe you should deactivate your sharingan."

"Nevermind."

"That's what I thought."

"Maybe that means Neji-san will avoid me…?"

"What the hell kinda rule is that, anyway?"

Suki had to yell to get their attention back, "_Anymore questions?_" Kiba raised his hand.

"What?"

"Can Akamaru come in with me?" Suki's voice took on that special high-pitched tone reserved for animals and small children, "Why of course your cute little puppy dog can go in with you," she dropped the tone, "but he'll have to wear this, it might put you at a disadvantage." She tossed a laser sensor collar to Kiba. "Is that all the questions? Good. Now, for the point of the test." The room grew quiet, everyone listening intently. Naruto snored. "Will someone wake him up? No, nevermind, I'm sure he'll come around eventually. Anyway, the point of laser tag is to shoot people with the plastic guns and avoid getting shot yourself. Shooting someone makes your score go up. Getting shot makes your score go down."

"Wow, who'd have thought? That totally makes no sense whatsoever," Kaori said sarcastically.

"_Anyway,_ Kaori and I will be in a mesh pit area at the middle of the maze, shooting you. Because of the construction of the pit, you will be unable to shoot us."

"That's not fair!" Ino complained.

"Neither is life," Sasuke muttered darkly.

"You got that right," Neji said.

"Thank you, emo clan-members. So, any questions?"

"Why will you be shooting us when technically you won't be participating?" Sakura asked.

"Well," Kaori said, "If you can't figure out the answer to that question yourself,"

"The concept is beyond your grasp," Suki finished.

-end of flashback-

"…so then we got our, our, codenames and equipment, and the game st-started about five minutes ago."

"Okay. Is that all?"

"Um, there's a rumor going around th-that you c-can't pass if you can't figure out why they're shooting at us."

"Well alright, then. I'm going to the center of the maze!"

"B-but Naruto-kun. You'll get shot. Why?"

"I'm gonna make them tell me why they're shooting at us! Dattebayo!"

-border, yeah-

Note from KabutoLuvr: Yeah, if you actually care, sorry it took a while to update, I'm gonna try to make it more often than that. And yeah, at the time that bit was written, "Kaori" and I had just seen the written exams episode, so we just had to rant. And BTW, I just checked my stats, and is there a _reason_ that over thirty people have looked at my profile but I've only gotten seven reviews? And that's counting all of my stories, reviews from friends of mine, and people who reviewed twice. I'll tell you right now, curious reader, all my profile is is a list of my stories. If you like me enough to want to check it out, could you leave a review telling me so? Please?


	3. Chapter 3

"Kaori, how long has he been staring at us?"

"Can't you pretend not to notice?"

"No, and you can't either. How long has he been staring at us?"

"I don't know, long enough to scare the crap out of me?"

"Okay, new question: How long has it been since the last time he's blinked?"

"Too long?"

"Sure. Next question: _Why _is he staring at us?"

"Well, he first came over while I was laughing manically…"

"Of course, he must've found it kind of awkward that there's someone else in the world with a laugh as creepy as his."

"Sure, whatever. Can't you say something to him?" Suki glanced down at Gaara and shuddered as she remembered the first Chunin exam battle she had sat all the way through.

"No. Scares me too much. Don't wanna end up like Lee. Can't you?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Forgot already?"

-another flashback-

"Alright, now that you at least all have your equipment, we're gonna let you into the maze, one by one." Gaara stood in the line, trying to remember how patience was supposed to work. When it came to be his turn, Kaori said, "Wait a minute, I'm sorry, but since it's technically an unauthorized weapon, I'm afraid you can't take your gourd in the maze with you."

"_**What**___" he asked, his tone more horrifying than the obnoxious font effects used to portray it. (KL- dang it, it was originally in chiller font, but this site can't handle that. Oh well, just use your imagination.)

"Nothing! Nothing, nothing, nothing! Have a good time!"

"That's what I thought," he said, stalking off into the maze.

"Freaky PMSing panda," Kaori muttered under her breath.

"_**What did you just call me?**_"

"Nothing!" Kaori screamed, running away, "Suki, you're taking over the line from here!"

-end of second flashback-

"Alright, you have a point," Suki said. She thought for a moment. "Can't you get your _boyfriend_ to make him stop?"

-Somewhere else in the maze…-

Kankuro stopped shooting at some other Genin he and Temari had cornered and looked around, suddenly anxious.

"What is it, Kakuro?" his sister asked, worried.

"I sense a disturbance in the force."

-border, yeah-

"He's not my boyfriend."

"Sure he is, he just doesn't know it yet. Now call him before Red burns a hole in the wall."

-border, yeah-

"How bad is it, Kankuro?"

"I don't know…" There was some static noise and then, heard over the intercom, a voice with a slightly anxious edge said, "Will the siblings of Gaara of the Desert please report to the mesh pit area immediately, and remove your psycho homicidal brother."

"Yeah, and like hurry up. He looks like he's about to kill us," another more nervous voice added. The sand siblings stared at one another for a moment. Temari shrugged, "Let 'em rot."

"They're supposed to be ninja, aren't they? They can handle themselves…" The intercom came on again. The more nervous voice from before seemed a little steadier now as it said, "Oh yeah, and, in case you're interested, if you refuse to report to the mesh pit, we're gonna blow your, 'cover,' so, you better get the heck down here."

-Two minutes later…-

"Why isn't your boyfriend here yet?"

"He's not my boyfriend, and I don't know."

"Should we get on the intercom and beg?"

"Well… No, wait, there they are."

As Kankuro and Temari walked into the mesh pit area, they assessed the situation. It took them about five seconds.

"C'mon, not again," Kankuro said, rolling his eyes, "Well whose turn is it this time?"

"Yours."

"It's always my turn."

"Quit complaining. I'm better than you at explaining it to the innocent bystanders anyway."

"Fine." Kankuro said sullenly as he headed towards Gaara. Temari walked to where she could get a good look into the mesh pit and called out, "You can stop cowering, ladies, we're taking care of it." Kaori and Suki heaved sighs of relief.

"You see," Temari continued, "He never sleeps, so he has a virtually infinite amount of free time. I'm afraid he spends the majority of it holding staring contests with the wall. What's even more frightening is that he gets so much practice, he's actually getting good at it. At this rate he may win some day." She looked over at Kankuro, who was snapping his fingers in front of Gaara's face and saying things like, "C'mon, bro, it's time to blink now. I know you can do it, I've seen you do it before. You know you want to, just let the eyelids down, nice and easy… Yeah, that's it…" Gaara very slowly closed his eyes.

"Good work, Kankuro," Temari said, "Now let's go."

"Right. C'mon Gaara."

"No," Gaara said in one of his softer menacing tones, his eyes still closed, "Not until I am told which one of them is responsible for my codename being 'RedRaccoon.'" The two elder sand siblings looked up at the mesh pit. Kaori and Suki pointed at each other.

"_Which one?_" The girls gulped.

"Not good, Kaori," Suki whispered, "He's talking with the 'Chiller' font voice again."

"Well," Kaori said to Gaara, clearing her throat nervously, "If you want the honest truth, it was Suki's idea; _I_ never wanted to give you that name."

"_Desert Coffin!_"

"Kaori, I'm gonna _kill_ you!" Suki screamed as the sand surrounded her.

"Doubtful," Gaara whispered with an evil smirk, preparing to close his fist.

"Hey! Wait a minute!" Suki called. He paused.

"_Why?_"

"Because, what my beautiful assistant neglected to mention was that while 'RedRaccoon' may have been _my_ idea, _she _wanted it to be 'CreepyPanda.'"

"Not true!"

"Oh, right, my bad. Make that 'Creepy_PMSing_Panda.'"

"_Desert Coffin!_"

"Hey, aren't you going to let _me_ down before killing her?"

"Why?"

"He can do two at once, just so you know," Temari informed them.

"Oh! Badthoughtbadthoughtbadthought!"

"How can you be having Ashley(1) thoughts at a time like this?!"

Kankuro stared thoughtfully up at the bickering girls facing their doom.

"Hey, Gaara," he said casually.

"_**What now?**_"

"Don't go 'Chiller' voice on me," he said calmly, "Now. What did I tell you about using Desert Coffin on pretty girls, especially ones you just met?" The sand demon sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Probably not a good idea…"

"That's right."

"…but they're mocking me, which is also not a good idea."

"True… but, c'mon," Kankuro looked upward again, "give 'em a break."

"Yeah, give us a break!" Suki called hopefully.

"Shut up," Gaara snapped before saying, "But I'm already halfway done. It's not like they're even _that_ pretty…"

"Hey!"

"Watch it!"

"_**Shut up**_."

"No they're right," said Kankuro, "They _are_ pretty. You're just…"

"Apparently incapable of appreciating it?" Temari suggested.

"Be quiet, I'm trying to have a man-to-man talk here. As I was saying, you're just apparently incapable of appreciating it."

"I don't care. _Desert Bur_-"

"Gaara!"

"_**What?**_"

Kankuro sighed. "Could you at least let the hot one live? I haven't gone on a date in a while."

"Can I finish up once your date's over?"

"What?!"

"Excuse me?!"

"I'd rather you wouldn't."

"Fine. Which one's the hot one?" Suki and Kaori looked at each other. Kankuro shook his head.

"You really can't tell?"

"Why don't you go and-"

"Hey," Temari cut Gaara off, "Since you can't tell which one 'the hot one' is, why don't you let them _both_ go?" Gaara rolled his eyes again.

"I'm bored," he announced, releasing both girls with an irritable hand gesture, "I'm going to go find someone else to kill, and you two are _not_ to follow me." He stalked off into the maze, his siblings and almost victims staring after him.

Kankuro let out a quiet laugh, "'Which one's the hot one?' man, I feel sorry for that kid."

"It wasn't very nice, Kankuro," Temari said.

"What? Last week I couldn't save that one girl because I didn't say she was pretty soon enough and you got mad at me. Now you're gonna get onto me for saving these chicks by telling him to spare the hot one?"

"Whatever. Come on, we need to catch up to him before he finds someone else to slaughter."

"Go ahead, I'll catch up." Kankuro watched Temari leave and then walked over to the cowering girls. _The "Chunin examine…ers," _he corrected himself as he helped one of them up.

"Th-thanks," Kaori whispered, trying not to fall over now that she was standing.

"No problem. Uh, is your friend okay?" Suki was sitting on the floor, shaking, staring into space.

"Uh, maybe. Hey Suki?"

"G-…"

"She'll be alright," Kaori said, a little uneasily.

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"G-…"

"So… I guess you have to deal with this a lot, being his brother and all."

"Yeah, you get used to it, but what about you? Aren't you used to freaks turning up for the Chunin exams?"

"Yeah… well, actually we're kinda new at this."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"G-…"

"So what made you want to become Chunin examiners?"

"Oh, I don't know…"

"G-…"

"… I guess because…"

"G-…"

"…Well, let's just say we wanted to meet all you…"

"G-…"

"…unique Genin people."

"G-…"

"Shut up, Suki."

"G-…" Suki said indignantly before climbing back into the mesh pit.

"So…" Kaori said, "Which one of us _was_ 'the hot one'?"

"Oh, now c'mon, that's not fair, I was just trying to distract him from killing you…"

"So neither of us is 'the hot one'?"

"Now, I didn't say that…"

"So which one is it?"

Kankuro blushed and muttered unintelligibly. Kaori smiled as she stared at him.

"B-but what matters is he didn't kill you," Kankuro finally sputtered.

"Yeah, thanks," Kaori whispered leaning closer. She kissed him. It was a beautiful, breathless moment that was everything she'd dreamed it would be. She wasn't sure how he was about to react, though. As she pulled back she wondered what he would say. As she watched him expectantly, he quickly inhaled and said, "Where the hell did that sunset come from?"

"Oh my god, Gai!" Without much thought, Kankuro shot the green-clad man.

"NO!! SUCH INJUSTICE!! THE THIRD TIME TODAY EXPLOITED BY SOMEONE I WAS ONLY TRYING TO HELP!!!"

"Piss off, will ya?"

"I SHALL AVENGE THIS!!!" Gai righteously disappeared into the maze.

"Well. That was weird and annoying."

"I hope you're just talking about him."

"Right, uh…" Kankuro blushed again as he searched for something to say. Suddenly, they heard from somewhere deep within maze, "Kankuro! Get the hell over here right now unless you want a war with the Hyuga clan!"

"Coming!" he called irritably. Before leaving, he gave Kaori a quick peck on the cheek. "See you after the test?"

"Yeah, sure…" she said, a little dazed, after he disappeared in a puff of smoke. She smiled, wondered if she should have told him it wasn't really test, decided he could figure it out for himself, and climbed into the mesh pit.

"Hey, hey!" Suki called teasingly at Kaori's entrance.

"Where the hell did the bowl-cut creep come from?! I know he's a ninja, but I never thought he could actually sneak up on anybody."

"Well actually, those of us who weren't preoccupied with staring into certain people's eyes spotted him coming a mile away."

"Why didn't you say something?!"

"I did say something!"

"You said 'G-…'."

"I _meant_ 'Gai'. Excuse me if I was in a little bit of shock due to not being quite accustomed to _Desert Coffin_."

"You are _so _not excused," Kaori said, sitting down. From behind them a lazy voice said, "Gaara's victims rarely are."

"What the-"

"Kakashi, when did you get here?"

"Just in time for the little show with dojou effects by Gai," the copy-nin said, turning a page, "Very romantic, I must say, almost as good as this," he indicated his book.

"We don't need your sarcasm."

"Yeah, between me and Kaori we already have about 250 percent more than we need."

"Please, don't mind me."

"I mind."

"Me too. Not to mention you're cheating."

"I am?"

"Yes."

"Listen to Suki, she knows all the rules," Kaori said as she became busy with the task of shooting an unfortunate group of Genin who had taken a wrong turn.

"Thanks for your support," Suki said sarcastically to Kaori before turning back to Kakashi, "Look, scarecrow, you're already late, which would have disqualified you from the exams if you were a Genin. You're not allowed into the mesh pit unless we invite you, so get out there and get shot like everyone else."

"Must I?"

"It wouldn't be fair if you got all your points from in here."

"Well, I shot 'DolphinBoy' before getting here."

"Either get out, or you won't be allowed to shoot anyone else."

"That suits me."

"Good job, Suki," Kaori said, "Now he won't leave."

"Oh, shut up. C'mon, Kakashi, you already got Iruka; don't you wanna shoot the rest of your friends?"

"Not particularly. So that was Iruka?"

"Who else would it be?" Kakashi shrugged as he turned another page.

"No one, I suppose. I just didn't think he would pick a codename like that."

"Oh… You wanna tell him, Kaori?"

"Sure, why not? They didn't all get to pick their names," she said as she got one last shot at an ill-fated Genin before telling the story.

-I swear, this is the last flashback-

"Alright, people," Suki called out to the crowd, "Now that you've all got your equipment on, just head over to that desk and give Kaori your codenames." The crowd didn't move. Sakura raised her hand. Suki rolled her eyes, "What?"

"What do you mean, 'codenames'?"

"Are you kidding me? You're ninjas and you don't know what codenames are?"

"Well yes we do, but, we're usually assigned codenames by some higher power…"

"Look," Kaori said, "It's simple. Just pick a word or a couple of words or a short phrase that you think describes you."

"Yeah," Suki said, "For example, I recommended 'SmartA- I mean Alec' for Kaori."

"Very funny. But not as funny as the fact that I already entered you in as 'S.i.r.'"

"Great. Just great. Well anyway, just head on over there and form a single-file line and give Kaori your codenames." Still unsure, the crowd wandered over to the desk and lined up.

Sakura was first in line. The pink-haired girl stood there uncertainly, thinking.

"Hurry up, will ya!" said Ino, who was second in line.

"Shut up, I'm thinking!"

"What's the point, Billboard Brow, the only reason you get a name is so they can put you in order of who did the best. Since your name's gonna be so far down the list, it doesn't have to be a good one."

"Shut up! You're one to talk!"

"She's got a point," Kaori said.

"No she doesn't! Are you kidding?!"

"Well what? There's a lot of you. You _could_ be far down the list."

"Doesn't mean _she_ has room to talk," Sakura said sullenly, adding under her breath, "Ino sucks."

"'InoSucks' it is!" Kaori said cheerfully, entering the name into the computer, "Next!"

"Billboard Brow!" Ino yelled at Sakura as she got into the line to enter the maze, confused.

"'BillboardBrow'. Right. Next!"

Shino was next in line.

-Forty-five seconds of cricket-chirping silence later…-

"Okay…" Kaori said, typing in "…", "Next!" Next in line was Rock Lee, and behind him Gai. Rock turned to talk to his sensei.

"Gai-sensei! What should my codename be?"

"I'm not quite sure, Lee," Gai said in one of his manliest man-to-man voices, "Nor am I sure what mine should be. But I _am_ sure of one thing," he paused dramatically.

"What, Gai-sensei?!"

"Lee, that one thing is," he struck a manly pose, "that through teamwork, determination, and the power of youth we will be able to come up with codenames that surpass all other codenames!" A sunset appeared behind him.

"Yes, Gai-sensei! You're right! I will come up with the best codename within the maze! It will accurately display my morals, motivations, and overall personality! It will be the perfect codename! Or I will run five-hundred laps!"

"That's the spirit, Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!" They cried manly tears and hugged each other in a manly way with the very manly sunset still in the background.

Toward the back of the line, Kiba growled, "Great. They're gonna hold up the line forever."

"Oh well," Hinata said, "At least that g-gives us m-more time to come up with c-codenames. And maybe Naruto-kun will w-wake up."

"Yeah sure," Kiba said, watching the sunset seem to spread throughout the room with Lee and Gai still in the middle of it in all their manly glory. Akamaru barked. "Good idea," Kiba murmured toward the puppy before turning to Hinata, "Hey, at least there's this nice sunset. Kinda romantic, don't you think?" Hinata's eyes shifted to look at Gai-sensei and his student.

"B-b-but-"

"Aw, no, I mean, I didn't mean, I mean, I _really_ didn't mean, I'm not sick like that, I meant…" Kiba blushed, mortified, as he trailed off. "Forget it," he muttered, turning back around.

The sunset began to fade as Gai mentally filed away the fact that his manly dojou effects jutsu could be used for romantic purposes and Lee began concentrating on the task of coming up with the perfect codename.

-Five minutes of thoughtful chin rubbing later…-

"Gai-sensei! I've got it!"

"LEE! WHAT A STRONG MANLY BOND WE MUST HAVE! I'VE COME UP WITH MINE TOO!"

"Really?!" Lee's eyes got wide, "Gai-sensei!"

"Tell me yours first, Lee!"

"Yes, Gai-sensei! My codename shall be," in idolatric (yes, I made that word up) imitation of his sensei, he paused dramatically, "FlamingYouth! What do you think, Gai-sensei?! Gai-sensei?" Gai was staring at the ground. Finally he looked up, took a deep breath, and spoke in one of his more sensitive but still manly voices.

"Lee, I'm very proud of your codename, I myself could not have thought of a better one." Lee's eyes grew wide again.

"Really, Gai-sensei?"

"Yes. The fact is that our strong and masculine bond is so strong that I myself," he paused dramatically, "came up with the same name."

Rock Lee was silent. After a moment he said, "What are we going to do, Gai-sensei?"

"I'll tell you what, Lee. Since you are in fact younger than me the title of 'FlamingYouth' is rightfully yours."

"Thank you, Gai-sensei!" Rock said, tears of joy streaming down his face. They once more gripped each other in a manly embrace, another sunset forming. Near the back of the line, Sasuke muttered, "Talk about déjà vu."

"_I_ think it's kinda romantic, don't you?" Sasuke gasped and spun around.

"How the –bleep- did you get behind me, you disturbing Michael Jackson look-alike?! I cut in front of four innocent civilians to get away from you!"

"I think you just answered your own question," Orochimaru said with a sinister laugh.

Kabuto heaved a dejected sigh and looked around absently. For a split-second, he thought he caught a glimpse of something… _Was that examiner with the glasses just checking me out? Not that I'd mind,_ he thought, glancing at Orochimaru, who was still flirting with/menacing Sasuke, _most attention I've gotten all day, really…_

Meanwhile, Lee and Gai were recovering from their crying spell. Lee asked, "But, Gai-sensei, what will _you_ do?"

"I will use my manly creativity to come up with another codename with the same meaning."

-Another full minute of thoughtful chin rubbing later…-

"I'VE GOT IT!!!"

"You mean you're finally ready to stop holding up the line?" Kaori said.

"My codename shall be,"

"Please skip the dramatic pause."

"'_Burning_Youth'!"

"Fantastic," Kaori said, entering the name into the computer, "I just hope you can live with the fact that because all this drama we're just about out of time."

-And so ends the final flashback. Oooo, "final flashback" that's a kick-butt bit of alliteration there. Oh. Right. Sorry. On with the story, then-

"…so then all we could do was go ahead and enter Ten-ten in as '1010' and the rest of them we had to send into the maze nameless until we could make up names for them," Kaori finished.

"I'm sure those will be interesting," Kakashi said, flipping another page and absently glancing through the mesh pit window, "Oh look, there's 'BurningYouth.'" He took aim and shot. They heard from below them, "'CopyCat?' KAKASHI!!!! MY ETERNAL RIVAL!!! I CHALLENGE YOU! WHOEVER HAS THE MOST POINTS AT THE END OF THE GAME WINS! I SHALL DEFEAT YOU!!!!!!!"

"Of course you shall," Kakashi said, turning his attention back to his book as Gai tore into the maze in search of targets.

"You just shot someone from the mesh pit without our permission," Suki said.

"So?"

"So you'll have points deducted and be asked to leave."

"Asked?" Kakashi yawned and settled back into his chair.

"Oh look, there's ChipsAhoy," Kaori said, shooting Choji. He wasn't able to get out of the way fast enough, so she was able to shoot him multiple times. She began to laugh manically. Kakashi stared at her wide-eyed as her chuckles became more and more sinister until they grew into something down-right bone-chilling. Kakashi shuddered. Orochimaru had a more pleasant laugh than Kaori's. At last Kaori paused for breath, turned to Kakashi, and asked sweetly, "Would you terribly mind leaving?" Soon enough, "CopyCat" was out in the maze, getting shot along with everyone else.

-border, yeah-

Yet another inside joke. Let's just say that if Ashley, "Kaori," and I were the three sanin, Ashley would be Jiraiya.

-border, yeah-

Note: So yeah, that's the longest chapter so far. And the long-awaited crack pairing will finally be appearing in the next chapter… _If_ I get some reviews! Please?! ( I'm getting desperate here.


	4. Chapter 4

Rock Lee wandered through the maze, feeling completely lost. It seemed that every passageway looked the same as the last, as if there were no entrances or exits. He caught himself wondering if he were trapped in a complex gen-jutsu. With a jolt, he felt his equipment vibrate. He suppressed a few cuss words as he looked around for his attacker. He glanced down at the small screen on his laser gun.

"'InoSucks'?"

"'FlamingYouth'? Is that you, Lee?"

"Sakura-chan!" Lee felt his cheeks grow hot as the pink-haired woman of his dreams appeared before him.

"Sorry I shot you, Lee. Neji's been stalking me and it's been making me nervous and I've been shooting anything that moves."

"Neji's been stalking you?"

"Well… He was for a little while…"

Somewhere on the other side of the maze…

_Man, am I glad I found this chick, _Neji thought, leaning against a wall with his byakugan activated, _Sakura was okay, but this is a _real _woman._

A little ways away, Temari shivered. The sand siblings had split up a little while ago and it seemed this part of the maze was relatively empty, but she couldn't shake the feeling that she was being watched. Intently.

-border, yeah-

"How dare he?!" Lee declared, not caring whether or not Neji had found a new target, "If he so much as sums up the courage to even _think_ of coming near you again, I shall protect you with my life!"

"Thanks…" Sakura said. _"Get lost, you freaky bushy-browed twerp!" _Inner Sakura screamed, _"I'd rather have that Neji punk ogling my sexy body than have to put up with _you_!"_ Before Lee could further express his strong emotions for Sakura, they were both shocked to find their laser gear vibrating.

"Who shot us?" Sakura gasped, looking around wildly and still unable to see the assailant. Lee read the codename, "'SnowAngel'?"

"Who would have that codename?"

"I would." Sakura gasped at the ninja before them.

"Haku? Aren't you dead?"

"Am I?"

"But, but, I saw…"

"Oh well," Haku turned to Lee, "Do you speak?" Lee had been silently gazing at Haku in wide-eyed wonder. Finally, he spoke.

"Your codename is excellently accurate. Your name, Haku, means 'snow,' and your beauty resembles that of an angel." _And surpasses Sakura's, _he added mentally. Haku blushed at the compliment, embarrassed, but also privately pleased. The words "I'm a boy" reflexively sprang to back of his throat, but they got caught there. For some odd reason he just couldn't bring himself to say it this time. He decided to maneuver carefully and wait to reveal that certain truth. At least until he learned more about this ugly-yet-charming, bushy-browed, bowl-cut boy. Meanwhile Sakura was staring at Lee, who looked as if he were in a trance.

"Lee?" she asked cautiously. No response. "Lee?" she repeated, spinning him around to face her and grabbing his shoulders, shaking him slightly, "Lee, are you okay?"

_Oh no, _Lee thought, _I cannot let Sakura know that I have fallen in love with another woman. She will be crushed! I will do the good, right, and manly thing and allow her to think that this is more for her good than mine._

"Sakura," he said seriously, "I need you to listen to me, this is very important."

"What, Lee?"

"I, am not good enough for you. You could do far, far better than me."

"Huh?"

"_No argument here," _Inner Sakura muttered.

"So for your own good, Sakura, I want you to find someone better than me and allow him to love you instead."

_Where the hell is all this coming from? _Sakura thought. She glanced over Lee's shoulder at Haku, _Can this really all be over _him_? It's not like he's _that _pretty. Or is he…? Poor Lee, someone should tell him._

"Lee, is this about Haku?"

"Of course not! I would never-" Lee sputtered.

"Because if it is, there's something you really need to know,"

"_What the hell are you doing?!" _Inner Sakura shrieked, _"This may be our only chance to get rid of this weirdo!"_

"What is it, Sakura?" Sakura glanced over Lee's shoulder again. Haku shook his head and gave her a hopeful puppy-dog look.

"Well," she looked at Haku again. He was begging her with his eyes to just leave it be. Finally, she said, "You should know that I think the two of you could be the cutest couple in Konoha. Good luck." She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and vanished into the maze.

-border, yeah-

Note: Well, I'm gonna give up on begging for reviews… after I say this: Please? _Please? PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE???_ –sad puppy-dog eyes-


	5. Chapter 5

Note: For the few and far between who actually care, sorry I've taken forever to update. I've had a crazy few weeks and it just kinda got lost in the shuffle.

-border, yeah-

Itachi smirked as he easily picked off another target. He and Kisame had ventured to the upper level of the maze and found a perfect spot. There was grill in the floor that they could easily shoot victims on the lower level through. No one ever thought to look up until it was too late. As he shot another target below he heard a sigh from Kisame.

"What's wrong with you?"

"That stupid 'no serious injury' rule, that's what."

"Why? You still get to shoot people."

"I know, but…" he tapped his fingers on his sword wistfully, "It's just not the same."

"C'mon, you can't completely depend on that sword y'know."

"For one thing, I don't. And anyway, I don't see why not, since my sword won't let anyone else touch it," he sighed again and stared dreamily into space, "Things were so different back in…"

"The Big Friggin' Sword Club?"

"We were called the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist," Kisame reminded Itachi irritably.

"Yeah, whatever. Whoa, that was weird."

"What?"

"The dude I just shot, his codename is 'BigFrigginSword.'"

"You're making that up."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

-Five minutes later…-

"Are too."

"Am no- Look, here he comes again. Shoot him and see for yourself." Kisame took aim and shot the man below them.

"Crap, you were right."

"Told you so. Do you think he's one of your old BFSC buddies?"

"We were not the BFSC!"

"Then how come you have a T-shirt that says BFSC?"

"Shut up!"

"That's what I thought. Are you gonna go find out if he's one of your old buddies or not?"

"If it means getting a break from you, why not?" Kisame said resentfully, leaving Itachi and going to track down "BigFrigginSword."

-border, yeah-

Zabuza scowled as he trudged through the maze, trying to memorize the location of that –bleep-ing grill.

"Can't believe I fell for the same -bleep-ing trick twice," he grumbled. Without warning, his laser vest suddenly vibrated.

"What the -bleep-!" he read the read-out on his gun, "'Jaws'? What the -bleep- kind of codename is that?"

"One I didn't -bleep-ing pick out for myself, 'BigFrigginSword.'" Zabuza spun around.

"Kisame? That really you?"

"Why the -bleep- would they name anyone else 'Jaws'?"

"Kisame," Zabuza walked over to his fellow swordsman laughing, "It's been forever, man."

"Dude, I know. Dude, remember when the whole club would get together and take those 'field trips'?"

"To the beach? Oh man, dude, how can I forget," Zabuza smiled as he remembered the surfing and swimming… and terrorizing of other tourists. He sniggered, "'Jaws.'"

"Dude."

"Dude."

"Hey man," Kisame said, "I heard, that like, that Kakashi dude killed you." Zabuza shrugged. It was quiet for a while.

"Hey dude," Kisame finally said, "You still got that pretty-boy sidekick of yours?"

"You know it, dude."

"Righteous! Where is he?"

"I dunno, oh wait, there's the dude. Who the hell is that?" Haku had just rounded a corner with the still dazed by infatuation Rock Lee trailing after him.

"Haku, who is this?" Zabuza asked as the two stopped before him.

"This is Rock Lee. Lee, this is Zabuza." Lee stared up at Zabuza.

"Your… father?" he asked after a while.

"Close enough."

"Okay," Lee said, and then, with a deep bow, continued, "Zabuza-san, your daughter is the loveliest girl I have ever laid eyes on and-"

"That's enough, Lee, we're in a hurry, remember?"

"We are?"

"What the hell?" Zabuza said, staring in utter bewilderment at the two boys facing him. While Rock was still confused, Haku leaned toward Zabuza and whispered, "He doesn't know that I'm a B-O-Y yet." He winked and smiled up at Zabuza hopefully. Zabuza looked from his far-too-pretty sidekick to the completely clueless bowl-cut. He sighed, and, after a moment said to Lee, "Just be sure to stay out of my way. Now leave, both of you."

A minute of silence past after the boys departed.

"Du-ude, I didn't know your sidekick was H-O-M-O."

"Dude, if you looked like that, would _you_ stay straight?"

-border, yeah-

"I think he likes you, Lee."

"You do? Why?"

"Well, he hasn't killed you yet…"

-border, yeah-

"Hey Kaori, what do their scores look like?"

"Numbers. What else would they look like?"

"Very funny. Who's winning?"

"'DolphinBoy.' Go Iruka-sensei!"

"Good for him. Who's second place?"

"Uh, this can't be right."

"Who is it?"

"Kakashi."

"How the heck did he manage that?"

-In a hidden corner of the maze…-

"That was forty shots, Hatake. If you're not beating Gai by now, you might as well give up."

"How about ten more, just to be sure?"

"Alright, but that'll cost you another five bucks."

"Of course," Kakashi fished around in his pocket, pulled out a crumpled bill, and handed it to Shikamaru, saying, "I cannot thank you enough, of course."

"Don't mention it. I should be thanking you. This'll probably be the only time in my life that I'll get paid to just stand around and do nothing."

"Doing nothing is a general term," Kakashi said as he pointed the laser gun at Shikamaru and fired, "I'm specifically paying you not to dodge."

-border, yeah-

"That's not fair. Kakashi shouldn't be winning."

"Well what can we do about it, Suki?"

"Let's change the scores."

"Can we do that?"

"Why not?"

"Do we know how?"

"Well… no. But there is someone who should…"

-border, yeah-

"Will Shikamaru Nara please report to the mesh pit area immediately."

"Great. We've been caught. What a drag. Just when it was starting to look like the exams would go well for me, too."

"I'm sure it's not that, or else they would've summoned me as well."

"Then what the heck do they want?"

-border, yeah-

"We want you to hack into the system and change a few of the scores."

"Is that allowed?"

"Yes, it is," Suki started.

"Because we say so," Kaori finished.

"Why do_ I_ have to do it? Can't you do it yourselves?"

"No. We're too technically inept," Suki stated.

"You're allegedly a genius so this should be no problem," Kaori pointed out.

"Fine, what a drag. You'd think fan-fiction writers with enough spare time to write that Lee and Gai scene would have no problem deciding that they're _not _technically inept…"

"Hey, how did you know we were fan-fic writers?!" Kaori asked.

"Yeah, what gave us away?"

"Well, _Kaori_, _Suki_," (BTW, we originally used our real, American, names in this until we used find and replace to go Japanese, and forgot about this part until it was too late.) Shikamaru began as he started typing commands into the computer, "You didn't exactly go to great lengths to hide it. You didn't even give yourselves Japanese names and you don't talk like us either; you're never heard using -san, -sama, -chan, or any other suffixes, and when you state a name, you say the surname _after_ the given name."

"Huh?"

"My name is _Nara Shikamaru_. Also, I can't help but notice random people occasionally slipping out of character. Way out of character. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the last thing I should hear while attempting to spy on two S-ranked criminals is a couple of guys switching immediately from cussing each other out with every other -bleep-ing word bleeped out to talking like a pair of surfer dudes."

"In my defense, Suki's done all of the typing."

"Gee thanks, Kay-kay. Well, in _my_ defense, nearly the entire time I've been writing this I've been high on something. Legal." (True. Usually sugar.)

"Legal, eh? Where you from? I hear a lot of stuff is _legal_ in places like Kusagakure, or to you Americans, the Village Hidden in the _Grass_."

"How did you know we were Americans?"

"Easy, the joke I just made wouldn't make sense to anyone but Americans."

"We don't know that," Kaori said.

"Yeah, for all we know Europeans call it grass too."

"Exactly, you speak English yet are ignorant of how the English speak it. That makes you American."

"Crap, he's good."

"He's a genius, Suki, what did you expect?"

"Exactly this, I'm the one typing, remember?"

"Does this create a paradox?"

"I dunno. Don't care either. Let's see how Haku and Lee are doing."

-border, yeah-

Haku and Lee walked along another dark corridor of the maze, hand in hand, smiling contentedly.

_This is the perfect moment, _Lee thought happily, _nothing can ruin it._ They turned a corner and ran into Neji. _Gah! I jinxed it! I must remember the effects of reverse psychology!_

"Hello, Neji."

"Lee," is what Neji said, though he was looking at Haku, "Won't you introduce me to your friend?"

"Certainly. Haku, this is Neji Hyuga, my teammate. Neji, this is Haku. Her codename is SnowAngel. She is from the Village Hidden in the Snow, and truly she is an angel." Haku blushed again.

"Excuse me while I vomit," Neji said in response to Lee's sickening sweetness, as he turned to Haku, "And please, don't tell me he picked up Snow's beautiful angel by telling her that he was Leaf's handsome devil." Haku laughed softly while Lee turned as bright and red as a traffic light.

"He failed to mention that."

"Really? It's only his catchphrase…"

"Is not!"

"That's okay," Haku said, patting Lee's arm, "I thought as much anyway." Lee's face grew even redder.

"Lucky son of a b-tch," Neji muttered under his breath before saying, "Well Lee, Haku, it's been a pleasure, but I've got victims to shoot." He turned and walked away. As he did he thought, _Thank goodness that byakugan can go 360, or else I wouldn't be able to tune in to the show behind me._ He activated his byakugan and carefully focused on Haku, not wanting to catch a glimpse of Lee by mistake. As his vision penetrated Haku's kimono, his eyes widened then quickly closed before he clawed at them in an effort to deactivate them faster.

"_Oh my God!_" he screamed, running to get as far away as possible from what he'd just seen.

-border, yeah-

"Lee, why are Neji's eyes white?"

"They are byakugan eyes. When activated, they allow him to have 360 degree vision and the ability to see through solid material."

"I'm sure there's no end to the uses he's found for that talent."

"No kidding."

"_Oh my God!_" they heard the scream from farther down the passage that Neji had taken.

"That sounded like Neji!" Lee said worriedly.

"Uh-oh, I mean, I'm sure he's fine."

"I dunno," Lee said, "I haven't heard him scream like that since the time he accidentally walked in on Naruto and Sasuke making out."

"What?"

"Neji doesn't like to admit it, but he's homophobic."

"No, no, no, Naruto and Sasuke are lovers?"

"You know them?"

"Yes, I met Team Seven once, but I thought they were just very close friends…"

"Well… that's the thing. Sometime they're pals, sometimes they hate each other, sometimes they're _awfully _fond of each other… They kind of have an on-again/off-again/halfway-on-again thing going there."

-border, yeah-

And so ends Chapter 5, as well as all the pre-typed material we had. We do have plans for what all else should happen, but we're open to suggestions as well. –coughcoughTHAT MEANS REVIEW PLEASEcough-


	6. Chapter 6

Yeah, once again I apologize for taking forever and a day to update, though I doubt most of you care…….

-border, yeah-

Kaori and Suki sat in the mesh pit, bored.

"So…" said Suki. The boring silence continued. Ever since they had altered the scores, there hadn't been much to do.

"Hey," said Kaori, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"

"What? _Plan F_?" They looked at each other. Suki poised her finger over a big, shiny, red, button. "Ready?" she asked.

"But I wanted to press the button!"

"Fine." Now Kaori got ready to poke the Button of _DOOM_.

"Alright," said Suki, grinning, "On the count of three. One… two… three!"

"_RELEASE THE FANGIRLS!!!!!!!_" they cried in unison.

-border, yeah-

"_RELEASE THE FANGIRLS!!!!!!_"

The intercom had picked up the dreadful command of utter doom. All over the maze, bi-shonen and hot psychopaths alike trembled with fear. Except for Gaara. He smiled and readied himself for a mass Desert Burial.

And the fan girls came.

They'd been categorized into "sectors" based on taste, and every sector had been released at once.

Sector Y:

"Look, it's Iruka-kun! Get him!" The sensei's eyes widened as a small, female, horde surrounded him.

"Yes! Success! Now all we have to do is find Kakashi!"

"K-k-kashi," Iruka stuttered out, "What do you need him for?" The mob about him giggled.

"Isn't that cute? Acting like he doesn't know what we're talking about."

-border, yeah-

"Like, O, M, G!!! Lee and Haku! That's soooooo unexpectedly cute!!!!"

"Better than Lee and Gaara, anyway."

"Better than me and Gaara doing what?!" There was a spatter of fan-girl giggling, which was becoming a familiar sound throughout the maze, but Sector Y wasn't having all the fun (although probably most of it due to sheer numbers), there was also the slightly smaller but no less deadly……..

Sector H:

"Shikamaru!"

"Mendokusee……."

"Where's Temari?"

"Who?"

"You know," more giggles, "Temari?"

"What? The overly troublesome blonde with the fan?" The giggling almost hit hysteria pitch, as if Shikamaru had just told one of the cutest, funniest jokes the surrounding girls had ever heard. Shikamaru began to black away slowly, suspicion in his eyes.

"What do you troublesome girls want?" Giggles were his only answer.

-border, yeah-

"Hinata-kun!"

"W-w-what?" Hinata's twin pearl eyes widened at the sight of the miniature mob bearing down upon her.

"You must come with us! We're gonna track down Kiba-chan so he can tell you something very special!"

"B-b-b-but…" It was no use. The pure willpower of the small crowd was too much for any one ninja to go up against.

"But I like Naruto-kun….." Hinata muttered sadly as the swarm swept her away.

Small yet horrible, Sector I:

"Neji!!"

"Damn!" It had been hard enough to evade the ones that were dragging along a slightly bewildered Ten-ten, now these other ones had him cornered. "What do you want?!"

"Come with us!"

"Why?" he asked, even while searching frantically for an escape route.

"Even now, others of our sector are attempting to rescue your cousin from the clutches of those skanks from Sector H so that the two of you can be brought together to confess your deeper-than-just-family love for each other!" Neji was momentarily non-plussed.

"My cousin?"

"Yes."

"_Hinata?_"

"Yes, silly!"

"The same main family weakling who I resent with every fiber of my being and would love to pummel to death had I the chance, which I shall someday because destiny is on my side?"

"Oh, stop being a drama queen, you know you _like _her……."

-border, yeah-

"Hey! Hey! Itachi-san!" Kisame stood on tiptoe, trying to find his partner among the throngs upon throngs of fangirls.

"I already told you, Kisame," came the Uchiha prodigy's voice, slightly muffled under what looked like a dog-pile of fangirls who'd been attempting to glomp the bishonen, "You don't want to hear some of the offers coming from Sector Y, all sector H wants is to hook me up with some chick named Sakura I've never heard of, and I just don't want to know what the rest of them are planning, okay?"

"C'mon, Itachi-san. You should go with _one _group before they tear you apart. And you could be more grateful," he added under his breath, before saying, "There's another group here that wants to reunite you with your little brother."

"That's wonderful, Kisame, now stop for a moment and think about possible reasons _why _they want to reunite me with Sasuke and _what _they'll want us to do!"

Kisame considered this for a moment. "Ewww…….."

Smaller than the other sectors, but still worth noting, Sector B:

Lee and Haku had just barely escaped the Sector Y girls, and Haku was in the process of convincing Lee he had no idea what Y stood for or what the girls thought Lee and Gaara should do, when the two boys bumped into another boy, not someone from a Hidden Village from the look of him, who'd simply been wandering aimlessly down the halls.

"Oh, hi," the boy said softly, blushing when he saw Haku. The trio stood in awkward silence for a moment. Then the boy, blushing even more deeply, nervously looked up at Haku and said in a voice barely above a whisper, "You're pretty."

"Oh……" Haku said quietly, and then had the foresight to interrupt any comment from Lee, "Um, it's okay Lee. Looks like we have a fan-boy here. I'll just talk to him, okay?"

"Okay….."

Haku led the bashful boy a few feet away and whispered something in his ear.

"I know," the boy murmured, "So's Lee."

Now it was Haku's turn to blush.

"Can I follow you?"

"Lee and I would prefer not to have a stalker."

"Oh…." The boy looked hurt. He recovered to some extent, "Well, I just wanted to tell you you're pretty. You wouldn't happen to know where Sasuke is right now, would you?"

"I think I saw him go that way," Haku lied, pointing.

"Thanks, and," more blushing, "Y'know, if things don't work out with Lee…"

"Yes, yes, of course."

"Bye……."

And then there were the girls who had no sector. The girls who devoted all their fanaticism to but one character. Some boys were buried in them……..

Sasuke moaned. He couldn't move for the mountain of over-enthusiastic-glompers who were his fangirls on top of him. In the distance he could hear arguments turning into shrieks of conviction that he and Sakura were meant for each other, a thought that would make him shudder if movement were possible, or something about him and Itachi, though just what he tried not to contemplate. And over the dull roar he could even hear what he was starting to think of as the least evil part of the mob demanding the right to take him to Naruto.

Others, well….. weren't so very buried, but everyone had at least one…………..

Kisame was carefully stepping over the unconscious female, and occasionally male, bodies littering the passage until it became too much an effort and he simply walked across the pile toward his battered partner.

"Never thought I'd have to use Mangekyo on so many in one day…." The prodigy panted.

"Serve you right to go blind after all that," Kisame muttered.

"Well, what? I had to, didn't I?"

"Whatever."

"Do I detect a hint of jealousy?"

"_No._"

"Kisame!"

"What?!"

"How the hell can you possibly be jealous, of, of, _this_?" An expansive arm gesture indicated the carnage about them. "I was buried alive in this lot, how can you possibly _want _fangirls?"

"Well, obviously we can't all have as many as _you_," Kisame snapped. His voice lowered depressively, "But it would be nice to know you had _one_."

"You gotta be kidding me," Itachi scoffed.

"Yeah yeah yeah……" the shark muttered sullenly, slowing his pace in the hope that Itachi would walk ahead of him and not come back to continue being a pest. He did.

When his partner was almost out of sight, Kisame felt a tug on his Akatsuki cloak. "What the…." He turned around, and saw nothing. He felt the tug again. This time, he thought to look down, and now saw the source of the yanking. It was a small girl, no older than four or five, wearing a pink kimono with a matching bow in her hair. She carried a fishbowl under one arm and held a sharpie in her other hand.

"Kithame-than?"

"……yes?"

"Could you thign my goldfith bowl?" She held the bowl and sharpie out to him and smiled hopefully.

"Um, okay," he said, taking the offered objects and uncapping the sharpie, "What's your name?" He surprised himself with this question, but somehow he knew he was supposed to ask.

"Kana," the girl said. She pointed at the fishbowl, "And he'th Thamehada."

"Samehada?" The girl nodded happily. Kisame looked into the bowl and met the gaze of an old and wizened goldfish, that is, one that's lasted perhaps an entire month, that seemed to say to him without speaking, "She really is a good kid. Probably should've learned how to say her esses before naming me after your 'thword,' but still, a good kid." Kisame returned that look with another look that said, also without speaking, "Hey, cut her some slack. I'll bet you don't know how it feels to be young and unable to pronounce your esses." The fish's next look said, "And what? You do?" The reply was, "I'll bet you also don't know how it feels to have really sharp teeth designed to carve apart _fish _and other edible animals but mainly _fish_." Nothing passed between their gazes for a moment. Then, "Did I mention that ever since the day she picked me out in the pet store I've simply _adored _the name Thame- I mean Samehada?" "That's what I thought."

"Alright then," Kisame said (aloud now), as he began to write on the bowl, "To Little Samehada and Kana, my favorite fans by far. Kisame Hoshigaki." He handed the bowl and marker back to Kana. "How's that?"

"Thank you, Kithame-than!" After carefully setting the bowl on the ground, Kana surprised Kisame with a hug around the waist, or as close to the waist as she could get. Kisame felt a little embarrassed for a moment but then smiled.

"You're welcome, Kana-chan."

-border, yeah-

So that's it for this chapter, and, truth be told, I love Kisame at least as much as I've ever loved Itachi, so it's probably unfair to say he's only got one fan girl, but this scene just seemed too cute an idea to not do. BTW, my co-writer and I seriously _are _out of material so _any _suggestions would be appreciated.


End file.
